The Letters Project: So the Answer was here all along?

I continue to make progress with the Letters Project, and am finding it amazing and liberating rather than discouraging!  This is a big surprise. 

One of the first things I found was this card, and photo:

This was taken in our dorm room, 353 Austin Hall Ohio Wesleyan University, sometime in the fall of 1971-spring of 1972 by my roommate Carolyn. 

Everything about the picture is precious--this may be the only one, brings back so many memories.  How I would always fall asleep studying, that bedspread and the yellow walls, bell bottoms!, granny glasses!, and the poster.  Ansel Adams picture, quote by Thoreau   "In Wildness is the Preservation of the World."  (Plus of course my haircut done with manicure scissors.......)  This was such a happy time, I loved college and I loved my roommates Carolyn and Laurie.

Carolyn is gone now, died way too soon over a decade ago.  There are a small stack of letters from her, and I look forward to going through them and keeping them safe.  I'd love to talk to her now--a good lesson in not taking people for granted. 

But it is the note that is even more of a surprise.  Of course, if I had followed her directions the next decades would have been very different.  But I could not.  I doubt that it even registered--when I opened the card it felt like seeing it for the first time.  My pain and self loathing were so intense that I could not hear what a friend was offering.  I have a strong feeling that this will be a consistent theme about the letters project throughout:  that many hands were offering to help and that my pain prevented me from taking those hands. That my pain was preventing me from seeing the person offering the hand --really seeing their love and friendship.   I do look pretty happy in this picture though!

Everything I have read about decluttering is that things stuffed away continue to weight you down.  Just because they are in a box does not mean that they are not influencing your life.  It feels SO GOOD to be on this project:  I know that not all connections can be restored (nor would I want them to be) but I can reclaim big chunks of my past, appreciate them, honor them and move into the future.  I know that a big part of the discovery process is just how bad a friend I have been, but perhaps I can make (some) amends and lighten the load.    Feels very good!